Six simple ways to listen with humility.

A friend or family member comes to you with a hard question about God, the Bible, or the Church. You may feel nervous. You may want to give a quick answer and make the worry go away. In many Indian families, we are taught to respect elders and not to question. So when someone does ask, it can feel uncomfortable for everyone.

But what the person needs first is not an answer. What they need first is to be heard.

Ask Where It Hurts

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once shared something President Russell M. Nelson told him. One of the first rules of medical inquiry is:

"Ask the patient where it hurts. The patient will be your best guide to a correct diagnosis and eventual remedy."

— As recalled by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Questions about faith work in the same way. The person came to you because they trust you. The best way to honour that trust is to understand first, and answer later.

"Active listening and making a genuine connection can be healing for someone who is sharing a vulnerability or question."

— Helping Others with Their Questions, ChurchofJesusChrist.org

Why Listening Matters

Listening well is hard. It needs focus and patience, but it is a skill anyone can learn. By the time someone speaks to you, they have usually thought and read about their question for a long time. Your response will decide whether they feel safe to keep talking, or close the door.

Six Ways to Listen Well

1. Seek first to understand

We often think we know how to solve other people's worries. We want to say, "Do not worry." But this is often more about our own comfort than about their need.

Let them tell the story of how they came to this question. Make sure you understand it. If their view is different from yours, be respectful. Do not criticise or accuse. A quick, simple answer can make them feel that their experience is small.

2. Acknowledge their experience

You may not agree, but you can see that they are sincere and may be in pain. Try not to compare their story with yours, because everyone's experience is different.

It is better to say, "I can't imagine what you are feeling," or "Help me understand."

3. Do not dismiss or judge

Do not close the conversation by brushing their question away or by judging them. This hurts them, and it hurts your chance to help. Their sincere questions deserve your sincere effort to listen.

4. Keep your emotions calm

It is normal to feel worried or upset. But do not let those feelings take over the talk. If you feel angry, ask for a short break and speak again later.

The Savior taught us to avoid contention and anger. We can learn to disagree without being disagreeable.

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying."

— Ephesians 4:29

5. Ask open questions

Open questions have no right or wrong answer, and they help the person share their thoughts and feelings. For example:

  • "Can you tell me more?"
  • "How do you feel about that?"
  • "Can you help me understand?"
  • "What can I do to help?"

Good questions show that you care, and they help you avoid misunderstanding.

6. Be honest about what you do not know

The person may have studied the question more than you have. It is okay not to have an answer. Ask about anything you do not understand.

Agree with what you can, without pretending. You can also say, "Let me study this, and we will talk again."

"He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention."

— 3 Nephi 11:29

They Came Because They Trust You

A person with hard questions is not your enemy. They trust you enough to be open with you.

That trust is a gift. You do not need every answer, and you do not need to fix everything in one talk. You need to listen, with humility, patience, and care.

That kind of listening is a form of love, and it can open the door for the Spirit to do what we cannot do alone.

Key Scriptures

  • Ephesians 4:29: Speak only what builds up
  • Mosiah 18:21: Be united and of one heart
  • 3 Nephi 11:29: The spirit of contention is not of Christ

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I say when someone shares a hard question?

Start with listening. You can say, "Thank you for telling me. Help me understand." Answers can come later.

What if I do not know the answer?

It is okay. Be honest, and offer to study the question and talk again.

What if the conversation becomes angry?

Ask for a short break and continue later. Keeping the relationship is more important than winning the talk.

Have a question about faith? Write to us in the comments, and subscribe to morefaith.in for more simple answers.

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